SSSSSSS (1973)
What it’s about: Dirk Benedict stars in a snakey schlock nightmare as the lab assistant of a brain-cracked scientist who’s made a serum that transforms men into giant snakes.
What we wish it was about: Hitler’s BACK – and this time he’s not just rocking with the S.S., he’s rocking with the SSSSSSS!
Ballistic: Ecks Vs Sever (2002)
What it’s about: Very little – it’s one of the worst films in creation. Lucy Liu and Antonio Banderas are the titular agents shoot guns at each other very blandly. Stupidest of all – they’re actually on the same side.
What we wish it was about: An instalment of a long-running series called ‘Ballistic’ in which two randomly selected people go proper, cock-on-table mental at each other for the full 90-minute run time.
Alvin And The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel (2009)
What it’s about: The continued adventures of a trio of creepy CG animals, this time joined by an even creepier (and higher pitched) trio of girl CG animals.
What we wish it was about: World-renowned financier Alvin Hall takes on his biggest challenge yet: explaining the futures market to chipmunks, in their native language.
Maid In Manhattan (2002)
What it’s about: Daft rom-com with stupid Jennifer Lopez as the sexy ethnic help who falls for Ralph Fiennes’ serial killer-faced WASP-y politician.
What we wish it was about: A punningly-titled robo-com with stupid Jennifer Lopez as the sexy man-made help who falls for Ralph Fiennes’ rich domestic appliance inventor.
Angus, Thongs And Perfect Snogging (2008)
What it’s about: A coming of age story about a 14 year-old girl learning about love and that, who has a cat called Angus.
What we wish it was about: A super hero called Angus Thongs who zips around Scotland in a pair of only-visible-from-the-front speedos saving couples from imperfect snoggery.
Divine Secrets Of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood (2002)
What it’s about: Sandra Bullock’s successful playwright falls out with her mother just before her wedding and must endure a series of flashbacks before patching things up.
What we wish it was about: A group of lady angels brought to earth to wage a secret war against the ubiquitous popularity of yo-yos with a new alternative: the ya-ya!
Help! I'm A Fish (2001)
What it’s about: A group of children who drink a magical eco-potion and are transformed into fish. The title’s functional, then, but that doesn’t mean it’s not stupid.
What we wish it was about: A fish who, in a moment exemplifying the random cruelty of the universe, evolves conscious thought and must live out a painful, lonely existence, unable to communicate his intelligence, and bitterly aware of his own mortality. With the voice of Bruce Willis.
