Bromaggedon
Alright, we already know what you're thinking: "What the!? But you guys already did a Top 7 on the best bros in gaming history!" You're right. We did. But this week, we're talking about a different kind of bro--the kind that likes tribal tats, tramp stamps, and flat-billed trucker hats. The kind that would get so wasted at a bar that they'd vomit into a beer mug and, not wanting to waste any beer, would force it all back down to the backdrop of cheering friends.
Bros have existed in the form of game protagonists (brotagonists?) for ages. Let's call a spade a spade: They're largely reprehensible human beings. Still, there's something magnetic about their wildly inappropriate overconfidence. We're eager to see their journey for glory through, no matter how many fist bumps, popped collars, or gel-heavy hairstyles stand in the way. Yo, brah. It's bro time.
7. Axton (Borderlands 2)
It's kind of easy to judge a guy as a bro when he says things like "Smarter, stronger, and more sexually attractive!" or "If I win, we're totally making out." C'mon, Ax-MEGA-ton--these are super entry-level bro lines.
He's obsessed with loot, fortune, and fame, putting his quest for personal glory above all else--which is why his wife left him and the military booted him after 10 years of service. You think he would've learned a lesson by all that, but no. Axton went on to become a mercenary, shot-gunning off lines like "Autogun's wreckin' FACE!" while he ruthlessly murdered thousands of poor bandits.
6. Jason Brody (Far Cry 3)
J-Bro only recently made his video game debut, but he's certainly deserving of a spot on this list. Let's run down a list of his bro credentials. First, his name. Jason. Brody. There's probably no name more generic in a video game. Brody? Really? It's got "bro" right in it, as if his destiny as a spoiled rich kid had been predetermined. We bet his parents bought him a lacrosse jersey for his first birthday.
Second, this is a guy whose introduction occurs in a video of he and his friends skydiving, slamming shots, starting nightclub brawls, and tossing middle fingers like it's going out of style--all while M.I.A.'s "Paper Planes" plays in the background. Third, that video is presented in such a way that it's obvious the Brod-ster cut it while on vacation so he could show his friends and confirm how awesome they all are. On his iPad. In a $1000 night hotel room. That his parents paid for. Also, he levels up by giving himself tribal tattoos. Bro, c'mon.
5. Travis Touchdown (No More Heroes)
Everyone's favorite anime-obsessed otaku ninja jedi assassin may have some pretty awesome hobbies (and a pretty badass name), but it's hard to ignore the bro deeply ingrained beneath that spiky, gel-laden hairdo. Though Double Ts might think himself a nerd, theres no denying that his alliance is more to his bros.
He walks around sporting baller yellow-tinted sunglasses and Tyler Durden jacket (with a popped collar!) while constantly hitting on "smokin' hot chicks." What's more, the dude recharges his lightsaber thing like this, which is totally childish and bro-like. Plus, them sideburns--ye gods.
4. Damon Baird (Gears of War)
Confidence to the point of sociopathy is a common trait amongst bros, but Baird takes that confidence to prom, gets it liquored up with a hip flask, and gets it pregnant behind the high school. He's the smartest dude in the room by a few hundred IQ points, and he always makes damn sure everyone knows it.
You'd think Big Baird would chill the hell out and not be so rude considering humanity has basically been destroyed by aliens, but his tendency to speak his mind often harms more than it helps. It's easy to imagine him as the class clown, always ready with with a smartass quip whenever the need for a retort arises. If it weren't for the fact that his knowledge of Locust and technology make him so damn valuable, he probably would've been shoved off into an isolated area where his brash attitude would be rendered useless--like into a shallow grave somewhere.
3. Garcia Hotspur (Shadows of the Damned)
Fact: Garcia "F****ing" Hotspur is a foul-mouthed badass. Another fact: The entire reason he had to take a stroll through Hell to save his girlfriend was because he got into a verbal argument with a demon lord about who had bigger "endowments." Actually, now that we think about it, the dude is obsessed with male anatomy.
He's BFFs with a floating demon skull named Johnson, who transforms into all sorts of really cool weapons that frequently include the word "boner" in the title. And what does Garcia do when Johnson transforms into the coveted "Big Boner"? Why, he shoots it from his crotch, shouting things like "Let's take this poll for a stroll" while he blows colossal enemies into bits with his massive payload. Also, Garcia can't read very well, and wears a leather jacket with no shirt underneath so everyone can see his tats. Total bro traits.
2. Johnny Cage (Mortal Kombat)
Most people set off to join Mortal Kombat to, you know, save the Earth from getting annihilated by the Outworld. But not Johnny Cage--no sir, he's in it to show the media and naysayers that he can fight like a man. He's also incredibly egotistical; just look to the opening of Mortal Kombat, where he insults opponents and macks on the ladies in equal measure.
Though JC thinks he walks on water, his greatest bro-crime is that he's got his own name tattooed on his bare, sweaty, glistening, ripped, tanned muscular chest. He even wears sunglasses that cost $500, and one of his signature moves includes the greatest bro move of all: The Nut Tap. Party foul, bro.
1. Duke Nukem (Duke Nukem)
Good 'ol Duke's a no-nonsense kind of guy. Though he blasted into the gaming scene in the early '90s, his current politically incorrect persona manifested in 1996's Duke Nukum 3D. Here, he wowed children with his muscular arms and bullet-strapped wife-beater, as well as filthy mouth that, much to the dismay of parents everywhere, taught kids dirty swears and how to smoke a cigar like a boss. Shortly after, the greatest worst role model games had ever had disappeared, seemingly Forever.
Getting reintroduced to The Duke was like meeting that old elementary school friend again post-college, only to find out that he's still super into poop jokes and getting blackout drunk every night; just like he was in elementary school. The Very Big D tried to woo gamers with blatant sexism and tasteless jokes, but his attempts seemed like they were born of a desperation that screamed "Hey, remember how funny this used to be? IT'S STILL FUNNY, RIGHT?" To make matters worse, he was still obsessed with quoting movies and had developed a super ego during his hiatus that could shield him from alien laser bullets. That's bad news.
Peace out, mang
Mega-bros can be off-putting, but we really (mostly) like everyone that made our list. We're sure there are more brotagonists out there--so who did we miss? Let us know in the comments below.
If you want more bro-tastic reads, check out our Top 7 best bros in gaming history
