Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeaouf) and Mikaela (Megan Fox) visit Bumblebee in his hideaway shed. "Bee, I want to talk to you about the college thing, okay?" says Sam.
Doesn't look like the most secure place to store a metamorphic robot from another planet...
Steel Irony
Delighted, Bumblebee breaks into 'I'm So Excited', courtesy of The Pointer Sisters and his radio. We cringe a bit and smile a lot.
But Sam has bad news: "I’m not taking you with me." Bumblebee visibly deflates.
Umm, remind us why not taking your first line of defence against the Decepticons to college is a good idea, again?
Seat Of Learning
So, Sam arrives at college, courtesy of a lift from his mum and dad - and not, say, on the back of his full-size pet robot. No style...
"Look at this place! I feel smarter already. Can you smell it?" gasps his mother. "Yeah, smells like $40,000 a year," gripes Grumpy Dad. HAHAHAHAHAHA shut up.
Shorts Weather
"Hey, beautiful! Made you a long distance relationship kit. I got you a webcam so we can chat 24/7," says Sam in voice-over.
And there's Mikaela, stretched out sexily on a bike with her bum in the air, doing some work which requires her to adopt a sexily stretched position with her bum in the air.
Hot Stuff
"Sounds cute! I can’t wait," she replies. We get the feeling she's not that bothered about the webcam thing, but it doesn't really matter.
We get it. They'll soon be together again. Now, please, can we make with the robots?
Dangerous Debris
Things take a darker turn when a chunk of the Energon cube- last seen being pushed into Megatron's chest to kill him - drops from some of Sam's clothing. Because something that big is easy to miss, right? It's like having a small banana stuck to your lapel.
We've all been there.
Strange Visions
Soon it's affecting Sam in weird ways. "I just had a full blown mental meltdown in the middle of my class. I’m seeing symbols!" he worries.
We see glimpses of Megatron and plenty of the aforementioned runes. We're not quite sure why the bloke sitting near him is grinning so much in a lecture. Maybe it's because the teacher is Rainn Wilson and he recognises him from the US Office.
Signs & Portents
Soon, Sam is manically carving the same runes into the ground. Perhaps he's preparing for a big Druid ceremony. Or maybe it's a Close Encounters-style continuation of his mental meltdown.
Or maybe... just maybe, he's unwittingly leading the other Decepticons to Earth? Yeah, that's the one.
Flaming Trouble
Yes! Score! Decepticons start arriving, causing the chaos around the world we've seen in other trailers.
They really are most inconsiderate travellers. Bet they shamelessly cut up other flying debris in space, too.
Prime Time
Sam naturally runs to tell all of this to the one giant robot he feels he can trust - Mr Optimus Prime.
"We’ve kept much from you, Sam," OP admits. Oh, you think? Might've been nice if you'd filled the poor boy in a little bit more, eh, Optimus. Looks like the bigshot Autobot went to the Dumbledore school of Really Mysterious Mentors.
Wheel Trouble
Sam's naturally upset. "This isn’t my war!" he bawls. "I fear it soon will be," booms Optimus.
Meanwhile, over in China, Constructicon Demolisher (called only 'Wheelbot' in the script, apparently) springs to life and gets really busy causing chaos.
Seen Simmons
Sam turns to Agent Simmons (John Turturro) for help.
Simmons, it seems, has had to downsize his operation a little in These Credit-Crunch Times."What you’re about to see is top secret. Do not tell my mother," he begs Sam.
Cheesy line, but it's Turturro, so it just about comes off.
Pattern Recognition
Looks like Simmons is playing Mr Plot-Exposition this time around, as he has some help to offer...
"Any of these look like the symbols you saw?" he asks Sam. "Where did you get these?" replies our hero. We're guessing not at his local WH Smiths.
Anyone For Desert?
As Simmons continues his expository spiel in voice-over, Sam journeys to Egypt to investigate... "Archaeologists found these unexplained markings in ancient ruins all over the world."
"They gotta mean something, like a message or a map," says Sam. Well, duh. With that kind of perception, he could be Indiana Jones' son or something.
Under The Sea
Cut to deep in the ocean, where a certain old friend - sorry, enemy - has been kindly letting the local sea life use his face for a home.
Yes indeed, ladies and gentlemen, extra proof (if proof be need be) that Megatron is well and truly in the film, and not just in flashbacks - as we confirmed exclusively on Twitter the other day.
Michael Bay, your pants are so on fire.
Up From The Depths...
And heeeere he comes back up again.
We hope he takes regular pauses or he'll get the bends. Oh, yeah. Robot. No breath...
Well, Hello!
Even Megatron wants to get in on the Staring-At-Megan-Fox action.
We're not sure what he says here. It might be "Hello, sexy!" but it sounds like "gfjefhdlasjdasljaskjasflurgle."
It's Hugo Weaving on voice duties again, anyway.
Lower The Flag
And now the naughty Decepticons start to raise some real hell.
Hey... You're not allowed to tear the American flag away like that! We're sure there's some law against it. Looks like one of the Constructicons to us. Someone take his serial number...
Fallen Idol
The Fallen is a sort of Satan figure in the Transformers mythology.
Caption: The Lonely Planet Guides really regretted having The Fallen research their book about Egypt.
Jump!
After lots of zippily edited robo-footage, we get Sam's anguished explanation for what's going on.
"Megatron wants what’s in my mind!" What, hundreds of nudie images of Mikaela?
Pursued by several Decepticons, Sam uses his experience of robot-escaping roof-jumping to make a run for it.
Game Face
Bumblebee quits with the stupid music gags and gets down to business with his armour on. Go, Bee!
Car Surfing
"Dear diary. Today I practiced more driving, but I'm not sure it went well. I don't remember this move from the Highway Code and Mikaela kept screaming, 'Saaaaaaam!' in my ear. It was, like, really off-putting..." - Sam.
Blades Of Glory
Now this is more like it... Optimus Prime lays into the Decepti-bastards with his twin swords of righteousness.
But we get the feeling the battle does not go well - if Sam's urgent cry of "Optimus!" is anything to go by.
Battle Scarred
Indeed, Optimus looks like he really gets damaged this time around.
Perhaps next time he should TELL SOMEONE ABOUT THE THREAT FROM HIS ENEMIES A LITTLE EARLIER.
Pyramid Scheme
What looks like the fully assembled Devastator clambers up a pyramid, showing no respect for the sacredness of the relic.
The pyramids play an important part in the plot, apparently. Something to do with the mysterious symbols...
Maybe they transform into a new robot who's been dormant since the pyramids were built and he's disguised himself as one? Uh, next...
Old Boy
Jetfire. Cranky old robot with a walking stick.
And why does a robot need a walking stick, exactly? We've searched the fansites but they're no help.
Is it rust? A design fault. Comment!
Heeere's Devastator!
The big D either A) vomiting up that ill-advised Sand Curry from last night or B) trying to Hoover up half the desert in search of Megan and Shia.
Doesn't he have special sensors or something? Seems a bit of an inefficient way to find stuff...
Woooooooooaaaaaaaaargh!!!
Devastator's evil sucking plan takes in Autobot Mudflaps, which serves him right for standing around nearby, really...
Wonder if he'll make it? It's not like he's a main character or anything...
That's it for Trailer 3, then. Job most definitely done. If Bay can offset the rune-seeking mysterious mission stuff with the massive great robot action, we're well and truly sold.
Quick geeky trivia note on the Decepticons' spiky face logo: it's actually based on the face of The Fallen. He was banished to another dimension for encouraging Megatron to start the nasty band of 'bots in the first place and can only be seen through a portal, which distorts his image.
James White is a freelance journalist who has been covering film and TV for over two decades. In that time, James has written for a wide variety of publications including Total Film and SFX. He has also worked for BAFTA and on ODEON's in-cinema magazine.
