Video game characters' small ads

What're ya buyin'? Or selling...

"Welcome, stranger! Got a good selection of classifieds for you, stranger. Bold print, with a picture, without a picture... anything you want to buy or sell, we can help you find it. Er... stranger." Or so the merchant from Resi might address you if you went to him to place a 'small ad' or 'classified' in the local paper.

Mario wants to sell... his sports equipment

SPORTS EQUIPMENT FOR SALE: Job lot. Golf clubs, tennis raquets, basketballs, football boots (size 8), Karting overalls, racing helmet (never worn), skates, hockey sticks, dodgeballs you name it, it's-a probably in here. Wahoo! Will trade all of it for one power mushroom. I'll even-a let you pull parts of my face around, if that's what-a you like.

The Keeper wants to buy... viscera

BODY PARTS WANTED to fill den of psychological terror. Internal organs, quart-tins of blood, arms, legs and severed heads all gratefully accepted. Needs to be able to get right into our clients' open wounds, so the sloppier the better. Payment varies depending on state of decomposition and overall ickiness. Contact Jeff Keeper 0800-1234-5678.

Arno wants to buy... a face

FACE WANTED: I'm having trouble with girls and I think it's my face that's putting them off. It's fine until I go to kiss them and then it disappears. So if you have a spare face (rogueish, charming, handsome devil sort of thing) then please get in touch. I'll pay handsomely, just name your price and give me a few days to get the funds together. Also if you need anyone 'disappearing', I can help with that. Contact Arno at Arno's house.

Larry Lovage wants to sell... some detective kit

ESPIONAGE EQUIPMENT for sale. Concealed cameras, disguises, skeleton keys, fake IDs. Perfect for anyone looking to get into the personal detective business. Selling due to upgrade to more professional tech. Call Larry on 0500-STUD-MUFFIN.

Aiden Pearce wants to sell... his phone

MODDED MOBILE phone for sale: Jailbroken and heavily modified cellular phone in good, used condition. 4G, 64GB, unlocked. Has special software installed on it that allows you to back hank accounts. What does that even mean? As a responsible citizen, I have absolutely no idea! Get in touch by email: a.pseudonym@ubidogs.com

Pikachu wants to sell... something

PIKA PIKA! Pika chuuuu pika pi. Pika. Pika pika pika pika pika pikachu. Kaaaa. Pika pi, pika pika, pi pi ka pi pikachu. Chu! Pikachu! Pika. Pika pika pi, pike pi, pika pi. Pika pika Pikachu, pika pikachu. Pika! Chhhhhhhuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. Ka.

Sonic wants to sell... his running shoes

RUNNING SHOES for sale: Vintage, modern-retro running shoes, Bought in 1991. Size 0, flame red with white strap and trim around ankle. Used but good condition, though one has a chilli stain on the top. You won't find a more reliable pair of running shoes these have already seen 23 years of daily use. So rad. Will throw in some Odour-Eater insoles. Forced sale due to... look, it doesn't matter. Contact sonic91@mobius.net

Cayde-6 wants to buy... an exotic heavy weapon

WANTED: EXOTIC ROCKET LAUNCHER. Will pay anything. Will give you countless blue weapons, even some purple ones. I will be your personal slave for a whole day. Yes, I'll even consider special favours. Name your price. And Xr, if you're reading this, I KNOW YOU'RE PLAYING ME. Stop it.

Niko Bellic wants to sell... a taxi cab

YELLOW CAR for sale. Can be used for people to pay for ride. Comes without the book of logs or the history of service. Cousin says upholstery needs some cleaning, particularly in trunk, and also to repair from hard beaks of many birds and small big dents to bodywork. No questions no problems. Contact mrfreshstart@lifeinvader.com

Wun bell eech?

That's the only snippet I could find. That's the problem with paper that comes from video games. Dissolves into its component pixels as soon as you take it out of the TV. Tsk. But yes, what else might a game character sell? Got anything for Trevor in GTA5? Let us know in the comments.