Officer, I swear I was only trying to save the world...
Oh dear. There they were, in the middle of their greatest adventures, a few levels away from victory, when all of a sudden they get pulled over by the cops. And you know what? It turns out that perfect intentions are all well and good, but that doesn't mean laws haven't been broken.
As you can see from the artist's impression up there, we're not allowed into the courtrooms to hear the actual cases being read out. But we have gained access to the police's classified files. So here's what we uncovered: Video game characters' rap sheets. This ain't going to be pretty...
Link from The Legend of Zelda series
Police notes: This elf has been seen entering peoples houses, smashing their earthenware and stealing their rupees--sometimes even with the terrified occupant present in the room. He also carries an illegal weapon with him at all times--a 2ft hilted blade, which he claims he uses only in self-defence. This doesnt hold sway, though--he assassinated political figure 'Ganondorf' with it in 2003 by driving the blade through his head. ***Update 2013*** Intelligence suggests suspect is threatening to repeat the crime again later this year in a straight copycat attack.
Link (which may be an alias) also uses illegal explosives, often in caves, posing massive danger to himself and others. While terrorism charges are being considered, for now the public are warned to stay in their houses, hide all their possessions and not to answer the door to anybody, especially if they say they have a magic fairy and just want to trouble you for a glass of milk.
Lara Croft from Tomb Raider
Police notes: Ms Croft is wanted for Arson after burning down her own mansion. Suspected insurance fraud. Indecent exposure has been documented although this may be an inside job (PC Patch has been implicated although I can find nobody on the force with that name).
Croft carries multiple, unlicensed firearms with her at all times, and has allegedly boasted of killing endangered species and of destroying major scientific discoveries. Croft's remorseless approach in the field appears to be 'kill on sight', whether her target is an animal or a human. Countless burglary charges, national treasure thefts and petty vandalism charges only add to the list. This woman must not be allowed to hide under her archaeology credentials any longer. She must be stopped.
Mario & Luigi from Super Mario Bros
Police notes: Mario and his brother appear to be addicted to hallucinatory drugs and use their plumbing profession as an excuse to smash walls, ceilings and other containers in an attempt to source new quantities of questionable substances.
While under the influence, these brothers have been known to literally stamp on local fauna and attempt to climb flagpoles, replacing standards with their own iconography wherever they can access it. The pair take it upon themselves to save victims of kidnapping in vigilante fashion. This seems to involve punching, stomping, burning or freezing to death anyone and anything in their path, even burning the flesh off one unfortunate victim who tried to stop their rampage by submerging him in lava. Despite their horrific acts, our reports suggest the pair perform all of these crimes with the permanent fixed grins of deranged psychopaths. These sick individuals must be brought to justice at all costs.
Solid Snake from Metal Gear Solid
Police notes: Is he army? Ex-Army? NATO-recognised? Even our most expert criminal profilers have been having difficulty making sense of the movements and allegiances of Mr Snake, despitewatching all the cut-scenes. That is why this file has been set up. Evidence so far suggests Mr Snake cannot even visit his local supermarket without hiding in shadows along the way and sedating at least three shopping center security guards with tranquilizer darts. Most of these seem deliberately focused on the groinal area which seems unnecessary and suggests Snake has psychological issues.
He has also been accused of faking his own death, assuming a new identity and was recently discovered hiding in the lockers in the local gym. Even if standard Peeping Tom evidence fails, we can at least charge him with 'smoking in a public building'.
Sonic from Sonic The Hedgehog
Police notes: Sonic The Hedgehog is a destructive menace, apparently harbouring a grudge against one Dr Ivo Robotnik and repeatedly causing this harmless scientist major distress, loss of profits and damage to property. Sonic has entered the Doctors workshop on several occasions (allegedly with verbal taunting and physical abuse), set back legitimately warranted research projects (which suggests Sonic may belong to an animal welfare organisation) and flouts local speed limits every single time he travels.
He has also been caught on camera engaging in 'public displays of affection' with a human female, which suggests he may be accessory to bestiality. With any luck, this hedgehogs bad attitude will land him in trouble as soon as he speaks to the judge, where we can do him for contempt of court. Dont worry, well get the little bastard.
Larry Lovage from Leisure Suit Larry
Police notes: Suspects internet use is being monitored. While he has done nothing illegal thus far, the frequency of his visits to certain websites has arisen suspicion, as has the search terms he has been using. Swingles, Wheres Dildo? and How to get girls drunk are all keywords on our sex offender danger list. At the very least, he'll need medical attention. Suspect has also been purchasing strange items from the internet, including a trampoline. He is also suspected of stealing undergarments from female students at Walnut Log Community College (CCTV pictures enclosed).
We will continue to observe Lovage and have issued a warrant to search his home and confiscate his laptop/internet-enabled devices. Any personnel visiting Lovages house are advised to dress with surgical gloves and overalls and not to touch anything unless it's absolutely necessary.
Inverse L Tetromino from Tetris
Police notes: The inverse L from the Tetromino family has been causing trouble for years. Ostensibly a family man, Inverse L seems to take great delight in interfering with the plans of the general community. Intelligence suggests it may also know the whereabouts of the most evil member of the Tetromino family the Little S, also know as that bastard piece that never really fits properly into anything. We would like to invite Inverse L in for questioning about this.
Standard public nuisance offenses are all we can really charge this Tetromino with at present, although its marked likeness to a handgun leads us to believe he may have been involved in much greater crimes. Was Tetromino in fact on the grassy knoll? When we look at this mugshot and think about the Russian lineage and possible involvement, we can't help but see all the pieces falling into place.
Who else needs to do some porridge?
These are just the files we could find with a few minutes to browse the records. There were loads more. Who else would you like us to check out in the name of justice? Let us know in the comments and maybe we'll revisit this feature later.
And if you're looking for more, check out Video game characters' school report cards and Video game characters' complaints at the doctor's surgery.
