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Not cool, dude
Chances are, your favorite game characters would be pretty cool cats in the real world. It'd probably be fun to hang out with Dante, because he's edgy and eats a lot of pizza, or Baird because he's charismatic, or Garrus because he definitely likes to watch TV and drink beer. But think really hard about the habits of those characters for a minute or two, and you might just realize that some of their quirks would actually be incredibly annoying (or just plain sad).
Professor Layton
He'd be the kind of friend who would: Make splitting dinner bills a chore
"It's cool, prof," you say, nervously. "How about I pay $26.03 of the bill, you get the remainder?" To which Layton replies: "Now, now--a gentleman always pays his fair share!" He excitedly reaches for a napkin and a pen. "A squared plus B squared equals C squared..." he mutters, mapping out complicated equations. Why does he need the Pythagorean theorem to break a dinner bill? OH GOD, HE'S DIPPING INTO ALGEBRAIC PROOFS. Might as well order some wine--you're gonna be here a while.
Solid Snake
He'd be the kind of friend who would: Have long-winded conversations on the phone while hanging out
JESUS Snake, will you get off the damn phone already? We've been hanging out for an hour, 50 minutes of which you've spent waxing philosophical on the purpose of your existence to whoever is on the other end of that gaudy Bluetooth headset. Christ.
Sonic the Hedgehog
He'd be the kind of friend who would: Always invite his annoying posse to tag along
But when you arrive at the stand, you find that he's not alone. He nervously approaches, his eyes darting back and forth as though he's expecting an ambush. Behind him is an Echidna sporting dreads and spiked knuckles; an ebony hedgehog carrying a .45; some kind of bat(?) lady wearing stylish spandex and a skimpy shirt; and a weird bee that won't shut the hell up. "Hey man, long time no see," he says. "I invited a few buddies, hope that's cool." You eye up the tattoo on his arm--R.I.P. written under a picture of a two-tailed fox. "Yeah," you respond. "Real cool."
Juliet Starling
She'd be the kind of friend who would: Refuse to go anywhere without her boyfriend
Their desire to spend every waking moment together was forgivable at first--that's just how young love works. Then things started to change. Juliet suddenly lost interest in hanging out with her old friends, and Nick, well, he traded his independence for lapdog status. Juliet would make a demand; Nick would comply. The most annoying thing of all? Juliet would not go anywhere without Nick tagging along. Even when it was time for a girls' night out (which only occurred like once every three months because Nick had developed a crazy jealousy complex), he'd be there hovering like a weirdo, mostly out of sight but always watching. Gross. Wonder what they're up to these days?
Booker DeWitt
He'd be the kind of friend who would: Mooch every chance he gets
"You gonna eat that pineapple?" he'd asked, pointing to a nearby trashcan. "Got any extra salt?" he'd request upon gulping down some purple drink. "Hey, toss me a Silver Eagle right quick, I gotta do something really important." One request followed another, and his desire to mooch became overwhelming. You stopped hanging out with the guy once his borrowing got out of hand, and good thing, too. Last you heard, he had accumulated a staggering amount of debt.
Mario
He'd be the kind of friend who: Tragically never bettered himself
Mario wore the same familiar clothes, smelling of that same familiar sewage stink, telling the same stories he'd always told. He was starved for conversation but had nothing new to say. "Did I ever tell you about the time I saved Princess Peach from Bowser?" he asked (for what, the hundredth time?). "Yeah, man..." The two of you took a drink in awkward silence; you, a seeker of worldly knowledge, and he, a simple man stuck in a place he could never escape. You left after a few drinks, but looking back through the yellowed glass of that dingy old bar, you saw him order another round by himself.
Nathan Drake
He'd be the kind of friend who: Is just too damn good-looking to hang out with
"Hey Nate, I'd like you to meet my wife (or husband), Sally (or Sam)." Nathan flashed a gorgeous smile, the way you'd think of God's as beautiful. But when you looked over at your beloved, your heart sank. Her (or his) eyes were locked in an eternal struggle with Drake's, clearly wanting to fight off an intense, magnetic attraction, but so obviously losing. The next morning you found divorce papers splayed across your bed. Beside them, Nate and your soon-to-be ex were entangled in a lover's embrace.I'm sick of this life, I just wanna scream. How could this happen to me?
Link
He'd be the kind of friend who would: Never return your phone calls
The phone rings a few times, and--gasp!--he finally answers: "Hiiaaaaaa!"; "Hey man!" you yell ecstatically. "Where the hell are yo--" Please leave a message after the beep. Wow. That little punk set up one of those dumb voice mails that trick you into thinking he answered. Man, screw this, you think to yourself. If he's not willing to pick up his stupid phone and talk to his friends, then maybe he's not worth the effort.
