Kneel before Zod(iac)
Horoscopes ey? What a load of old faecal matter. Planetary shifts influencing my decisions? Telling me what to do? "Oh uh, it wasn't me officer, Uranus made me do it". Ha haaa, I don't think so pal. No deadbeat gas giant is going to order me around. It's just like that time I fought Exxon Mobil. Sure, I probably shouldn't have been tapping their tanker for free fill ups, but hey; what's done is done. The point is that astrology is kind of a weird deal, an omnipresent pseudoscience that just sort of sticks around because it's not doing any actual harm - a bit like that weird kid back in high school. Sure, he may've liked to suck his bottom lip and establish prolonged eye contact, but has he shanked anyone lately? No he has not.
However, seeing as you all seem to enjoy these vague prophecies of things to come, I've decided to have a big old go at writing one, only this time, with some gaming-related goodness thrown in. I've consulted the seers, read up on the scriptures, divined the will of the earth's secretive second moon and decided who among you will favour which of 2015's biggest games. Let the zen-like tranquillity begin.
Aries - The Ram (March 21st - April 19th)
Determined and energetic, Aries' natural dynamism causes conflict with linear, narrative-heavy adventures. Your astral mood colour is 'hot pink' - a vibrant, some would say intensely unpleasant tint that signifies a desire for sandbox freedom. No Man's Sky will fulfil this desire and many others besides, replacing your shameful dependence on local brothels with an obsessive need to chart the galaxy. Be forewarned, however. Your natural inclination to lead will put you at odds with others, some of whom will take to the internet to declare you 'a total douche' or something equally hurtful. Don't allow your spiritual aura to be chafed by such asinine behaviour. You are a precious snowflake; a snowflake to whom all other strained metaphors will one day bow in terrified reverence.
Taurus - The Bull (April 20th - May 20th)
For the hard working Taurean, 2015 promises to be chock full of grinding monotony - i.e. just the way you like it. While other star signs flit from game to game like a schizophrenic at a carnival ground, you and your uber dependable kin will instead be wiling away the hours, grinding your existing games down to a fine dust. Anointed seers are predicting a heavy deluge of Taurean players when The Elder Scrolls Online makes its belated appearance on 8th generation consoles later this year. Expect the powerful orbit of Jupiter to increase Taurus' stubborn nature in the summer months, eschewing human contact for the sweet release of meaningless XP. November will bring glad tidings of its own, as electricity is finally cut off from your apartment, forcing you to emerge from your golden hall of reluctance and into the mysterious world of work.
Gemini - The Twins (May 21st - June 21st)
Gemini embodies two disparate souls, entwined and yet also opposed - the first, an outgoing and boisterous sort, and its twin, the nervous and introspective worrier. Where the latter is easily burdened by everyday routine, the former knows only curiosity and adventure. Gemini, your year will revolve around the release of Persona 5, a title built upon such stark duality - a meshing of the real world with the false. In other mystic happenings, your fat-handed roommate Chad will accidentally delete every last one of your save games while fumbling around for the remote. In recompense the universe will reward you with a stack of water damaged GamesMaster magazines circa 1994. All is balance.
Cancer - The Crab (June 22nd - July 22nd)
Much will be expected of you in the year to come, Cancer, with oracles foretelling of a particularly glorious conquest in local multiplayer. Your opponent, out of sync with his traditional moon stone aura will become vulnerable, allowing a great and terrible pwnage to take place. In so doing, you will learn to channel your inner spirit animal, and gain new wisdom. Your lunar totem of 2015 will be The Order: 1886, a title that speaks to your dependence upon teammates for both security and success. Not all is good news, however - with the spring months come new challenges and great dangers. During a moment of quiet reflection you will, in fact swallow a bee. Nothing can prevent this.
Leo - The Lion (July 23rd - August 22nd)
Those bearing the star sign of Leo should expect to receive mixed fortunes in 2015. Passionate, yet deeply prideful, you and your cohorts will invariably be drawn towards the latest entry in the Call of Duty franchise, a series that like you dithers between fits of creativity and long-lasting lethargy. Uranus implores you to seek wisdom in the ether, while Mars counsels steam sale moderation - allowing you the temporal freedom to complete one 'soul journey' before beginning the next. Achieve this spiritual equilibrium and astrologers indicate that this may well be the year that you finally complete the original 1995 Rayman. Gaia be praised.
Virgo - The Virgin (August 23rd - September 22nd)
Your wellness level is truly blossoming Virgo. This is your year to shine! That being said, difficulties will arise, but with the help of some new friends and old you will learn to overcome them - and all while aiding your local community! Like your spirit game, Tom Clancy's The Division, any previous reluctance to appear out in the world will quickly be washed away by the success of your debut. Just don't go making friends with any of those guys that pretend their clan is a real military unit or anything.
Libra - The Scales (September 23rd - October 23rd)
The scales are truly tipped against you this year Libra. You must focus and remain mindful of your energy. Beware the man from Activision; his is the path of deceit. Do not cross his palm with gold. This is the conduit to woe. Do not look upon his wares, for that is the road to frowning. Seek instead the sure thing, the title that truly deserves to bask in your affection, one that gives no cause for buyer's remorse. Seek instead Uncharted 4. Tellers prognosticate that a great sum of money shall fall through your grasp this year Libra. A household pet will urinate on a brand new console, somehow invalidating your warranty deal in the process. It is known.
Scorpio - The Scorpion (October 24th - November 20th)
You are Scorpio, and beneath your cool exterior exists an intense and fiery passion, the likes of which are typically reserved for Spanish-language soap operas. Much like your spirit game - Mortal Kombat X - your basic veneer belies a far deeper complexity. 2015 has much to offer you, Scorpio, provided you can learn to diffuse this excess energy. Avoid to urge to button bash, name call or throw scalding hot coffee over an assistant's face. Take control of your issues and learn to channel your chi where it will be most effective. Try using your indoor voice, replacing direct orders with more pleasant invitations - 'Please get over here', 'Would you kindly come 'ere'. It is so.
Sagittarius - The Archer (November 21st - December 22nd)
The idealist. The extrovert. The impatient. Sagittarius demands both freedom and change, making him, or her, the relative hobo of this spiritual zodiac. 2015 promises to bestow much new power upon your person, renewing old friendships and removing tired limitations. Much of the year will be spent in quiet reflection, thinking upon the bizarre wisdom of Metal Gear Solid 5: The Phantom Pain. Lesser minds shall not comprehend it, its riddles, convoluted plotting and overwrought emotions. You will be their shepherd, Sagittarius. It is you who shall produce the 25+ minute YouTube video explaining the entire premise in unshakable monotone. This is your destiny.
Capricorn - The Sea Goat (December 23rd - January 20th)
You are Capricorn, determined, efficient and assured, the trusted performer against whom all others shall be measured. In this, you share a deep spiritual connection with Halo 5: Guardians. Both shall win great acclaim in the year ahead. Where you falter, look to the blissful orbit of Mercury for reassurance, in times of triumph, brandish not the teabag, but focus instead upon the truth of all being. Are we not all the teabagger? Mother Earth does not distinguish between the super soldier that squats and the super soldier upon whom is squatted. Both are cherished equally.
Aquarius - The Water Bearer (January 21st - February 21st)
You are Aquarius, the perfect melding of recluse and extrovert, the fearful beaver and the honking goose. You prize creativity, calm and dexterity, oftentimes solving complex riddles at a pinch. Nevertheless, 2015 will prove to be a trying year for you. Expect many a younger sibling and/or lovable street urchin to beg your aid, as new and terrifying 'water temples' continue to confound their minds. Expect also to accrue many hours in pursuit of hidden Riddler Trophies, as Batman: Arkham Knight ups their number to an even 806. Lastly, try to remain mindful of negative energies invading your chi. Astral signs point to an over-exuberant buddy gunking up your favourite gamepad, and quite possibly loosening that second analogue stick. Banish this cretin without delay.
Pisces - The Fish (February 22nd - March 20th)
Doors will begin to open for you in 2015 Pisces, as glitches subside and load times generally decrease! Beware however your compassionate and trusting nature, as The Witcher 3 is almost certain to make you feel like a massive bastard one way or the other. By all means, save that buxom bar wench from the stake, but under no circumstances should you entrust her with any nuclear launch codes. Astrologists predict a strong 'red powered' year for you Pisces, though at some point you will have to contend with a bitter personal loss - a corrupted save file that undoes tens of hours of progress. Stay strong and focus on the good times.
No(Horo) Scoped
Breathe in the wisdom, my child, your aura has been replenished. If you wish to channel your latent energy into physical text, please feel free to do so below. Blessings of the zodiac be upon you!
And if your yearning soul seeks further adventure and enlightenment through additional travels across this celestial internet domain, why not enrich your experience and learning with some comfortingly related, but excitingly different articles? 10 bold Xbox predictions for 2015 would sate you well, pilgrim, as would its Nintendo-focused brethren.
