The plan: Remember the scene in Fight Club where Brad Pitt drags the guy out of the convenience store, sticks a gun to his head, and tells him if he's not a veterinarian within a year, Pitt's going to come back and shoot him? Well, instead of a convenience store, it's 3D Realms in 1997, and instead of “a guy,” it's 3D Realms head George Broussard, and instead of “becoming a veterinarian,” it's “putting out Duke Nukem Forever by Christmas.” It's still Brad Pitt, though. You convinced him to come with you. Because that just makes the whole thing hella boss.
Potential complications: Robbed of its status as “the game that never came out,” Duke Nukem Forever struggles to make a name as “the game that came out and was pretty good, you know, if you like outdated catchphrases and high-school humor.” But what do you care? You're friends with Brad Pitt.
1. Stop the 1983 Video Game Crash
The plan: Stop the flood of no-hoper consoles (Bally Astrocade! Emerson Arcadia! Fairchild Channel F!) at their source by infiltrating the machines' manufacturers, pointing at a prototype unit, and asking, “Seriously?” Buy up all copies of notorious Atari titles Pac-Man and ET: The Extra-Terrestrial, and do absolutely anything except (a) burying the damn things in a damn landfill, or (b) playing them.
Potential complications: Without the warning that gamers wouldn't just buy any old piece of crap if it was named after as a popular movie or arcade game, game publishers ruthlessly abuse any license they manage to acquire. This creates a climate so unlike our own that even Steven Hawking is unable to speculate on how it might be to live in such a world.
May 4, 2010
