Why Princess Peach should be IMPEACHED

Impeach Peach!

As weve discussed in the past, the Mushroom Kingdom is a pretty messed up place as it is. Crime is out of control, people are being stomped on in the streets, and the economy is an absolute catastrophe. But while the current royal staff would blame the previous administration's shoddy work, we dont believe its responsible to pass the blame. No, we believe that Princess Peach should take responsibility for her actions--and be tossed right out of the Kingdom.

We're not going to speak in generalities, either. No--we have specific, definitive reasons to blame "Princess" Peach for the way the world is, and once you read them, we've a feeling you'll agree. We simply can not afford for the next 25 years in the Mushroom Kingdom to be as bad as the last 25.

She spends most of her time vacationing and/or being kidnapped

A good leader should spend her time sitting on a throne and actually leading. Where does Peach spend her days? Either she's off vacationing or locked away in some cell in Bowsers castle. How can she be expected to lead when she can't stay in her own kingdom for more than 10 minutes at a time? Where was she the day after the Mushroom Kingdom was attacked by a group of angry Shyguys? Attending a fundraiser and playing soccer. How unpatriotic.

She refuses to beef up the kingdom's security

Few would argue that the Mushroom Kingdom's security force is utterly lacking. Instead of a true army, they have a handful of Toads with spears and Mario, a mustachioed plumber from a far away land we know nothing about. How is that security? It's not enough to stop Bowser's weekly invasions. It's not enough to stop alien attacks. It's not enough to stop the Princess from being kidnapped nearly every other day. We need a real army, and more spending on our military. Let's stop tossing our hard-earned gold coins towards social programs that promote Toad lethargy, and let's put them to work defending their neighbors.

Drugs are all over the streets--literally

Peach has done very little to combat a threat as real as the Goombas currently invading our land: drugs. This kingdom was built on a certain moral fiber that's been tarnished by a massive influx of Super Mushrooms, Poison Mushrooms, and... well, a lot of mushrooms... and more are "enjoying" the "benefits" of these "power-ups" that currently bounce around our brick-paved roads. What does our great leader do about this pandemic? Well, last we checked, she enjoyed them as well, powering up whenever she felt down. For shame, Ms. Princess--for shame.

She does nothing to combat the immigration issues

Every day, more and more Koopas and Goombas find their way across our unprotected borders (bringing Poison Mushrooms with them, no doubt). Some join our society legally and become members of our great kingdom, while others enjoy all of our great amenities without giving anything back. Our leader does nothing to quell this influx, and, instead, simply waits until it gets out of control before sending Mario to stomp the problem away. A good leader would prevent the issue before it even starts, instead of allowing it to get out out of hand before sending in a death squad. We need real immigration reform now... or a big freaking wall. Either works.

She hasn't made any attempts to continue the royal bloodline

The King is gone, and the Princess has no heirs--that means that if anything were to happen, the bloodline would simply fizzle out. And, of course, our Princess has made no attempts to solve this issue by marrying or by mothering a child. Why is this? Is it because of a deep-seated fear that, if the Kingdom didn't need her, they wouldn't put so much money into continuing to rescue her from her malefactors? It's irresponsible. If she isnt interested in continuing the bloodline for royaltys sake she at least needs to name a successor better than Toadsworth. Seriously, screw that guy.

Her relationship with the plumber Mario is unclear

It's not as though Peach doesn't have any suitors, either. Mario, the Kingdom's only real protector, spends most of his time following around the princess, eager for her to bake him a cake. She's taken him on vacations around the world, and even invites him to her regular sports sessions--and yet, as far as we know, that's where their platonic relationship ends. We deserve to know if they're really together--and if they aren't, she might want to spend less time with him, and more time wooing a suitor.

Her relationship with the evil king Bowser is also unclear

For as confusing as her relations with Mario are, we're more concerned with how much time Peach spends with Bowser. He continues to kidnap her, and yet she invites him to play golf and basketball. Why, if he is such a great enemy, does she spend so much time with him? Is it because she fathered his child? Is it because he has some dirt on her? This information needs to be made public.

She lacks the virtues of a real leader

Peach has never, not even once, shown any of the qualities a real leader should show. In Super Princess Peach she showed that she ruled by emotion, and thats no way to lead a people. She has never made a decision for the good of the people, and she has never done anything to help the Mushroom Kingdom grow. If anything, she's more of a liability, and the kingdom deserves more than that from its Princess.

Daisy 2012

Its because of these issues that we believe Princess Daisy to be the natural replacement. Do you agree? If so, let us know in the comments below--otherwise let us know who you think should take over the Mushroom Kingdom, because Peach obviously has to go.

And if you're looking for more mildly-political (but still funny, we promise) articles, check out who your favorite game characters are voting for and (the slightly less funny) an article on where politicians stand on gaming.