Would an actual apocalypse be a good thing or a bad thing for gamers?

The Alien Apocalypse

The only way to accurately predict what would happen to gamers in the event of an alien invasion is to insert ourselves into the mind of an alien. To think like one. And that's not easy because aliens are way more intelligent than we are. Look at this:

Aliens are really smart and can think about stuff we can't begin to comprehend without our brains combusting in a puff of very confused smoke. But we'll try.

Imagine you're an alien. You've invaded Earth and destroyed all the tall buildings. All that remains is to harvest the puny humans, but which ones do you send to the factory for the extremely invasive bodily fluid transference procedure and which ones do you keep and send for exciting tests and special privileges?

Soldiers? No. They're conditioned to kill all aliens and have puny weapons. Politicians? No. They're spineless power whores who hide behind the soldiers. Celebrity TV chefs? Unless they can rumble up something with hydrogen that can be absorbed through cellular sponges on the ends of prehensile stalks, then no.

But gamers? Those guys have experience using gravity guns, plasma grenades, mech suits, jet-pacs, portal technology and can pilot a vast array of extraterrestrial vehicles. Let's keep them. They could come in handy. In fact, fit them all with laser penises, send them to that beautiful planet in the Utopia galaxy and force them to procreate with that species of promiscuous super hot sexy space babe.

While this outcome is not totally guaranteed, we're pretty sure it's how it could happen.

Conclusion: The Alien-type apocalypse would be exceedingly GOOD for gamers.

The Zombie Apocalypse

This type of apocalypse covers all varieties of viral, infection and mutation scenarios in which unwell people or animals that are also possibly dead are possessed by an uncontrollable dietary disorder that forces them to eat flesh and brains of other people or animals that are in comparatively good health. That's pretty much a dictionary definition. Refer to the table below for more information.

Given the prolonged widespread use of zombies in the gaming medium, it would be logical to conclude that a zombie apocalypse would be eminently survivable for gamers. Just grab a shotgun and aim for the area above the neck. But in fact the ubiquitous nature of virtual shambling cadavers on our TVs and monitors would have a negative impact on our ability to effectively avoid zombification.

Gamers would divide into factions. There would be those only interested in a Nazi Zombie Apocalypse. This faction would perish while waiting impatiently for such an apocalypse to be announced. Misinformed casual gamers would adopt an ineffective shrubbery-based defence and consequently be gnawed to the bone quicker than a bucket of KFC.

Then there would be those that assembled in groups of four to fight zombies cooperatively. However, these groups would quickly descend into petty bickering about tactics and who was better at killing zombies. This would escalate into an irresolvable situation. Eventually, the young dude, the old dude, the black dude and the chick dude (typically the four main dude types of any such anti-zombie collective) would all rage-kill each other anyway, saving the zombies the bother.

And then there would be a faction that was just sooooooo bored with zombies already they would actually throw themselves into the mouths of the starving people-eating mob just to get it over and done with.

Conclusion: Contrary to popular opinion, the Zombie-type apocalypse would be incredibly BAD for gamers.

So there you have it. Irrefutable evidence that while apocalypses are generally not brilliant, they could actually be a lot better for gamers than you may have previously thought. Do you have an opinion? Let us know in the comments.

March 2, 2011

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